Meredith,
This is a really awesome poem. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that the speaker of the poem is the reader’s mind. The poem is filled with awesome lines, and I really like the rhyme scheme. At first I thought it sounded sort of canned but looking back over it, there are some really effective internal rhymes and devices that show that the very present feeling rhyme scheme was intended. I think my favorite is the extension in the line “Without, I’ll have your serenity hanging from a balcony. What a tragedy.” Up to this point the logical stop would have been the first period, but I really think you added to both the voice and cadence of the line with the extra little sentence that kind of offsets the flow.
I like the sardonic, half-singsong voice used, and I really enjoy the imagery, which goes from being semi-serious and almost mocking to much heavier and thoughtful. The best part is that this progression is natural and smooth, and the poem as a whole is cohesive and deliberate and made me think. I did notice a few grammatical issues, but they came from having to make the scheme work, so they really aren’t so bad. If I were you I would maybe try to rewrite the more awkward lines, and just see how it reads; it may sound better, may not. Also see what happens if you take out a few of the pronouns, it might make it a little smoother. Overall, great poem!! 🙂
Anthony Pugliese, Sect. 03