Was I starving for attention? An emotional catharsis? A sustainable way to maintain my new lifestyle of complete and utter hunger? By the age of thirteen, I was no stranger to the feeling of emptiness that preceded the pure euphoria of starving myself. Of course, by the age of fourteen, I was no stranger to my new diagnosis: Anorexia. What had felt like a life sentence would eventually evolve into a journey of self-discovery, a nod to my resilience, and recovery from my numbing and all-consuming eating disorder. I was able to unearth my emotional literacy through this long voyage as well as decipher how it has shaped me and how I plan to use it to form my life going forward. Through a series of unfortunate events as well as countless trials and errors, I have become well-versed in emotionality complete with compassion, connection, and a new consciousness of the world around me.
My literacy of this disease has provided me with a fundamental knowledge base that has implored me to choose a future in which I can not only continue to help myself, but hopefully help others who feel lost in this world of addictive yet unsustainable living. To truly grasp the depth of my emotional literacy, it is quintessential that I reveal the past that led me to my anticipative future. From hospital stays to treatment centers across the country, I became privy to every which way this illness presents itself. I witnessed and partook in the incessant dispute between choosing recovery and choosing the disorder. I bonded with those who were on their recovery journey along with me through countless ups and downs. I learned of their stories, their trauma, and connected through shared experiences. It felt as if I was a part of something completely separate from the outside world, an inner circle of sorts that both scared and delighted me. I cared for my fellow peers fiercely, felt connected to my mind in a way I previously had never experienced, and was filled to the brim with a conscious awareness that my passion for recovery went so much deeper than simply sustaining my life.
The first sponsor of literacy that felt inherent to my being as well as amplified through this journey, was compassion. Compassion has such a pure and intentional persona, one I found myself attached to and grateful to be able to express. My compassion only grew each time I re-framed the self-deprecating thoughts in my own mind as well when I soothed the ones that others would share with me. The vulnerability that comes with showing compassion is often looked down upon in our society due to the very visceral nature of emotions in general. However, when I was forced to take a step back from society and enter the world of treatment for my Anorexia, I found that the compassion that was all encompassing in that environment was necessary to sustain back in the real world. By sustaining compassion for myself and others, It encourages compassion in every other aspect of my life as well. Compassion for the environment, compassion for society, and compassion for those who resent it.
The second sponsor of literacy that I approached during this undertaking was that of connection. The connectivity of the whole experience was unquestionably integral to the steps I would take next in regards to sustaining my recovery. I had a new understanding of myself and the strength it took to detach from my eating disorder and secure a new path towards life and a sustainable future. I felt connected to my emotional literacy in the intimate sense that I had confronted this trauma and these feelings firsthand, and survived. I had sustained myself and in that process, been placed on the path towards helping others sustain themselves as well.
The last sponsor of literacy, and arguably the most influential on my wellbeing and what lies ahead for me, revolves around the consciousness I had found within myself and within the world around me. After spending months and eventually years trapped in my own mind, trapped
in my disease, and trapped in the impending statistics that isolated and paralyzed my life, waking up felt like the nightmare was over. I regained control over my thoughts, feelings, and overall health. I become aware of the endless ways this disorder creeps into my life, the lives of others, and society as a whole. In the gaunt and sunken faces I pass on the way to class, in the stream of bodies that flood my social media, and even in my closest friends who can’t walk past a mirror without pausing to critique themselves. I woke up from this disease that had stolen far too many years of my life and found peace in my decision to spend the rest of it fighting for those who were not yet conscious. I know now that my sustainable future revolves around caring and encouraging others to choose compassion, choose connectivity, and choose life over the voices that plague them and will inevitably take it all away.
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