The readings made me question weather I am suited to be a writer and weather I am worthy of this path or not. What immediately came to mind was The Graduate. Dustin Hoffman conducted a work of art with that piece of film, and in many ways, it hits home. Causing one to question their purpose as a human in this, like a functioning piece of some great machine that may or may not be constructive. We are lost and found all at once. For so many years I reveled in the thought that I am a writer. Since Ive been young, Ive known myself to be a writer, and here, to question my authorship, is in many ways disheartening. The same way Hoffman questions his own motives, in a sort of what am I doing with my life sort of way. He feels like he is drifting; I often feel the same. I often feel like what the hell am I doing? I often feel like I do not have enough passion to fill the job title, writer.What is that? What is the pull that tells one, you are not worthy of this artistic path? Sometimes I feel that it discourages me as a whole, and paralyzes my writing process. When I think too deeply about what is this, who am I, I begin to second doubt myself in my own abilities. I hate that. That is exactly what happened in my fiction class. I wanted the validation from my writing teacher so much so that I could not write anything with out the pretense of being judged by him. I wanted him to say, yes Henley, you are a writer, you can do this, because, who is not scared of this degree? Who is not afraid to bare their soul and it not be enough?
I second guessed myself for long enough, and now I feel that second guessing is the hell of all writing. Its what keeps me from baring my bones. From sitting down at a key bored and letting words flow like water. I need to get past it. And I need to stop letting myself believe that that sort of thinking is what keeps me from writing. Its truly my own damn insecurity. Damn It.
You bring up a really interesting point: you present writing / art as the baring of one’s unique soul, but you also say that that fact that there is a direct audience for that writing (that you are subject to that audience) is diminishing and disheartening. Art should be authentic self-expression, and not constrained by such pedestrian concerns as what so-and-so will think. But then again, as you say, we might be “lost and found” at once. Lost, because we are not longer writing in a vacuum of inspiration or pure self-expression, but “found” because we have the chance to be recognized by others. You write to bare your bones not as some kind of narcissism, but because you want others to take note, to “find” you. Becoming a successful writer is all about finding that audience that cares and is interested, and learning from those audiences that might not. Both require confidence and, sometimes, just for a bit, suspending those voices around us that we are subject and asking how we are also subject to ourselves.