I am two people. I am me and I am Tanner Brown. But that’s not really me. I am not Tanner Brown, rather I am the antithesis of him. And I exist where he exists, step within his footprints of his shadow, within the bounds of his experiences, I exist where he exists but I do not exist within him. Or rather he does not exist within me. We live in polar opposition yet exist on the commonalities that we are the same person. I struggle with this duality; struggle to exist without him. Yet it is his very influence that creates a portion of me. I cannot live without him. He cannot be surgically or emotionally removed for fear that we both will be destroyed in the process. Perhaps this melodramatic soliloquy is concrete evidence to Tanner Brown’s psyche. He cannot be quelled. There is no culling song that will put him down, that will bury him under the many facets of a more complex emotional construct. He is a facet; the impurity in the diamond, the bruise on the soft flesh of an August peach.
Everything is only tangible where I grow. I exist only where I grow and the rest of the world fades into the pale watery pink of the morning’s dew. There is nothing beyond the confines of myself. I am Shiva, simultaneously creating and destroying the world with my rhythmic dances and my many arms knocking glass vases from mantles.
I am not Tanner Brown and Tanner Brown is not me. We are a wholly different being that is the combination of both of our realities, both worlds, both perceptions that together create a singularly new perspective and therefore create a singularly new world in which we live.
I have no impurities and all the impurities in the world. Tanner Brown is a facet, a facet of living in which adjustments must be made. But these adjustments are not possible or impeding growth, rather they accelerate these facets and I can learn to accept Tanner Brown.